in the midst of confusion

hurmm.. hi.. hello. and assalamualaikum

wow.. quite a lot things happened and one of it I'm losing the blogging mojo again. hahaha. dunno.
Things are kinda messy in my mind so I ignored a lot of thing..

And even now, still not feel like writing much..

Sorry ini luahan hati..

Aku tawar hati. Tawar hati nak belajar lagi. Tawar hati nak balik uni.. I ignored everything about my uni.. Every posts every question, I didn't ask much, I didn't answer much either. Apa yang aku rasa hanyalah tawar hati. I just don't want it anymore.

Sigh.
I don't know why I'm feeling like this.
All I know, I supposed not to.

2 more weeks to gather up strength before the semester starts.

Days Difference - Speakers

what makes my day?

A sweet music video with a guy that have an adorable smile in it.

*tersenyum sendiri*

Decision of a life time

you know there are times when you have to decide on your own about your life. It matters so much for your own life, future, happiness..

It takes for me three years to notice it. Two and a half actually. And it takes me one whole year to think about it. What is it?

I'm already in the third year and you know what I realized? I study just for the sake of exam. Then I failed. Seriously. Where's the fun? I've changed. sigh. Years before I am totally not like this. Before I always thinking learning is fun. YES. Studying can be fun ONLY when we really enjoyed it. The thrill, the amusement of knowing something new. New things always fascinate me but since I'm in university I studied. But just enough to get me pass. Which is often I failed. I can't get through it. I don't understand a thing! Then I remembered back in the days how much I love physics. I remembered how I never study last minute before. How I can watch whole series of One Litre of Tears the night before exam yet I still score an A. It was because I learned the whole time. And that's when I realized I was focusing way too much on getting that piece of paper of degree and forgetting how much fun I was when I really put my efforts on studying sincerely. The intention of studying was got off track and that's why I never felt happy those years.

Sounds a bit nerd, eh?

And yet I still fail a lot of subjects. Too many subjects to be repeated. Sigh. That's when I start to think to extend my years here. I know my parents definitely opposing this idea but I have been thinking about this for one whole year. So its totally tough decision I made here. I can make through for four year but that will consist of full credit hour taken for every semester left and all I care then is just to get pass. While I have my time left now I just want to have fun studying. I created the mess at the first place so I guess it is my responsibility to fix it back. And I don't want to finish this degree with unhappy face.

Its absolutely a decision of a life time. So hard to make one. I guess this is one of the things that grown-ups need to do.. huhuhu

what's going on~

22 Nov - Highway Engineering & Structural Analysis

24 Nov - Reinforced Concrete Design & Fluid Mechanics

25 Nov - Hydrology Engineering

-the End-

yes I have another five papers left. My housemate already finished her final and already holiday-ing.. ergh... this is so not fair! huhuhuhu...

Hence, less updates for me..

to Mermer, I would like to do the bag challenge that you tagged me but later, kay? heheh.. I have no camera, my phone's camera sucks..

Played basketball just now and the feeling was awesome! hehehe though I know my stamina isn't stronger as it used to be...

have faith in me

Have faith in me
Cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe
So cling to what you know and never let go
You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I'm going crazy
Cause there are things in the streets I don't believe
So we'll pretend it's alright (pretend it's alright)
and stay in for the night
Oh what a world
I'll keep you safe here with me (with me)

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

They've got me on the outside, looking in
But I can't see at all
With the weight of the world on my shoulders,
They just wanna see me fall

They've got me on the outside, looking in
But I can't see at all
With the weight of the world on my shoulders,
They just wanna see me fall

Have faith in me

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did (Go, Did)
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it (Fall, Meant It)
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did

p/s: to Vanne, Juju, Wann, Zaza.. good luck in exam.. hehehe XD

fact: 1 thing you should know about me

I'm not a perfect girl, I'm just a girl who knows how to rock her world

yeah.. I'm rock like that :) hahahahahaha

you and me and life

source: tumblr~

to friend, just to let you know..

I always be there for you.

And I'll listen.

Because you always be there for me too..

and you take time to listen to me

so,

No worries, kay?

random: I don't think you read my blog but yeah I support you! oh yeah chaiyok2!!

where oh where is my McSteamy?

I need a guy friend. Some thing like Mark Sloan and Callie Torres. Who knows this two best buddies? Yeah, yeah they are the characters from Grey's Anatomy. I love them both. hohoho..

I want to have some relationship like that. A best buddy. A guy you can talk to and ask their opinion. Someone that can honestly says anything to you. Sigh. I can hardly found one here. I need to have someone like Mark Sloan to Callie Torres (ignore the part that they are ex-sex partner and Callie is lesbian) . But yeah, you get my point.

Most of my guy friends are just acquaintances, course mates and someone that I know. The one who want to get close to me are all the one who looking for couples.. which is sometimes can be so pushy and annoyingly cheesy. Can't they just be friend? sigh.

I just need one. Someone that I can rely on. I do have girl best friend for girls stuffs. But there are things that you need guy friends.. A guy that I can really said anything, do anything and be myself comfortably.

But people said girl and guy couldn't be just friends. Ijit???

Engineering talks

Bored. I've been staying away from books for a while because I just need to stay away from it. But as today, while having my dinner with two awesome heroes in my life, which are my dad and my brother, suddenly I get the mood back. Family is always been the best motivation, eh? Anyway as usual when I'm with the dudes of my family, mostly we talk about general things. Such as sports or Malaysia nowadays. hehe.. its kinda refreshing though. Having some intellectual conversation.

And tonight we were talking about all the accidents happened these few months. Scary. Since both me and my brother in the same field, we talk it more engineering-ly. hahaha..Transportation engineering. The system. And also the politics. Again, the politics. To be honest with all the engineering right now, development should be easy and nothing is impossible. Constructing a road connecting Sibu to Kapit would be without hesitation could be done. But then, yes, too much interference from other aspects. The politic itself interfering the development. Engineers if were given the order to design something, they would do it. Just like what my brother said, people can construct the highway from Perak to Kelantan despite the topography there during British ages, why we can't do it now, from Sibu to Kapit?

But we couldn't put the blame in the engineering though. It more to law implementation itself and the attitude of the companies who mostly ignores it.

Enough for that. It just, sometimes there are law shouldn't be ignored. Because of greediness, people's lives on risk, and its just not fair. Money does solve a lot of problems but it can't pay back what have been loss.

this is me. Me celebrating myself entering 20-th hahahahaXD

the point is I'm just bored. so I just ranting about tonight.

Music , Coffee and everything in between

I'm changing the blog title. again. Hahahaha dunno why I pick up this title but surely it is because it sounds like me.

Music and Coffee is things that I've always had to start off my day..

and this blog is showing mostly about whatever I've thought, whatever I've felt in that moment. Something like showing up how I see life, other people and everything.

So it does feel meaningful. =)

I'm too stressed. Life become too serious for me. I'm changing become too serious. And I've forgot what's the most important to me. Which is being happy in what I'm doing. So, I'm just taking a few steps back, take a little breather and finally do something that I really love, something I cherish the most.

A good start of changing something,eh?

According to her

"According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable, we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain, we beg, we plead, we offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair until finally we can let go. We let go and move into acceptance." (Grey's Anatomy S06E01).

and finally I know that's what I've been through these weeks. Grief. I'm not dying but I lose my soul, myself. So I'm grieving about it. I went through all the phases, and now I'm in the last stage I think. Acceptance. After a talk with my friend, I just realized all the time wasting. A life that I'm not enjoyed it at all. It feels like a switch inside my soul switched on and its totally change me. I feel new light.. hahaha. Enough with the metaphora but now I'm starting a brand new chapter in my life. I'm trying my best not to be negative anymore and though it felt different from my usual self but I kinda like it. My friends kinda surprise to see the difference but like it too. And deep inside I know they are fully supporting me. All I can say now, I feel happy. The feeling that I haven't felt quite for a long time. ^________________^

p/s: I'm browsing a new handphone.. hehehehe^_^

dear romeo

bad day? not really.. you know when things pretty much upsetting you the whole time you got tired with it.. then it comes to the point when its just too much, and you can't take it anymore so then you just start to ignore everything...

Its a part of grieving I guess.. I become too angry, too upset.. too I don't know.. til theres no more room left to feel anything else.. So when we start to ignore those feeling, we barely feel anything..

so to not making it any worse I go blogwalking. When I read Syam's blog I listened to a very sweet song.. Lullaby-Dear Juliet

You can rest easy tonight

everything is gonna be alright, i promise

go to sleep and dream of me tonight

everything may not be perfect, but at least we tried

so tonight

sweet dreams and sleep tight

i've been trying so hard, can't get you out of my mind

and if this is how it has to be, just promise you won't forget me

and i'll leave you with this lullaby tonight

i know that this hurts you, it hurts me too

i wish there was something i could do to make it easier for you

sometimes it's tough, too soon to call it love but i wanted to

yeah i wanted to, but it's too late now to say all the wonderful things that i thought of you

i think about him when I listened to this..

dear you,

yes I love you but I won't tell you. because I don't think you are too and it will ruins everything in between. I just want to keep things like this. Yeah, I'm selfish like that..

xoxo,

me

random: I want to buy new hp la.. this hp mala jak rosak

reality hits you

yeah it is. hard. and its sucks. well lets wrap it up...

Yesterday was my birthday.. yippee~~ I'm turning 20 now.. but hold on, today I'm 360 degree mood change.. not happy today so better saving the happy post later..

now.. I don't know how I feel...

misery? not really..

sad? na-ah~

It just my heart aches~ my mood were pretty down even before my birthday.. but I vowed not to be sad, not to cry not on that day. not on my birthday.. I don't want my friends to see it so I kinda letting them to cheers me and have fun...

today, terserempak my ex-bf at kfc. =.=!!! after that, all the happiness that I tried to hold on to washed away~

.

.

.

.

again my heart aches...

i just totally hate this..

yesterday was a blast and I had all the fun but today back to reality. I really just want to stay at that state, can I? I can't because then when reality hits me, I'll crashed. shattered to pieces.

next year perhaps~

Its Sunday and I watched this anime. This is a part of last episode in season 2. I cried watching this.. Hahahaha! yeah. =') it touched me.Well I will be like Azusa next year. We all are in third year. For me its my sophomore because I have 4 years-course but to most of my friend, this is the final one. Though we all are very busy people we still crammed a little bit us-time together. Watching this is sad you know. You guys will be graduating next year and after that, won't be so much time together.. huhuhu....

so I guess with all the time left, just have fun, kay? =')

random: this is my 100th post.. ^__^ hehehe.. =)

that's how committed we are~ not really..

the end of study weeks. but it doesn't feels like one. I was busy with all the meetings, projects and assignments. So I haven't do any study at all.. wargh~

.

.

and here is a scoop of what did I've done during this so-called study week..

ya, while discussing a picture or two won't do any harm. hehe

MT is meeting for next semester activities

trust me~ I'm not studying any analysis or calculation.. I'm calculating the budgets~ ya,ya, I'm the bendahari, remember?

and this is from different angle~

there are other pictures too but felt so lazy to upload it here~ heheh.. this is more to an inside scoop of my life as MT JPK isn't it? hehehe.. anyway.. I should go back to study.. I kept diverting my focus to other things.

Sigh.

awesome!

fb does the miracles again! hahaha.. rasa sangat gembira..

someone adds me a girl. 1st I did tengok her fb. But its private so nothing much to know. The face looks Korean so I thought it was not her but it does look familiar.

2nd time I saw the mutual friends. all are my schoolmates, so its kinda shocked so I tried to remember people who've been to my schools. Thought she was my junior but mostly both of our friends from the same batch, so I limiting my memories to my own class but still I couldn't so I just approved her.

Rupa2nya it was my long-lost-close-friends. Kami segeng masa form 1 and form 2 before she moved to Kuching. My oh my, she turned out to be a very beautiful girl. She was pretty too in school but yeah, time passing by, people changes. heheh..

Basically both of us lost contact and as time passed by we both changed so much and we both actually couldn't recall each other before stalking the profiles.LOL..

anyway it feels awesome... the old memories rushing to my brain~

Books and Grieves

Just finished reading this. Yeah, it has the movie too but I haven't watch the movie so I don't know how the movie is.

Nothing much to spoiler, you have to read it. For me, it is beautifully and tragically sad. You can't expect anything to comes even how much you have gotten used to it. Its all about death and living. How much loss has affected both sides of world. The bond between Charlie and Sam is superb. And Tess character is good too. The plot surprises me though. I thought it would be typical plot of the character has to choose between his brother or the girl (I was influenced by the movie's trailer). The relationship between the character is beautiful and through reading, I somehow feel how hard it is to let go. tsk.

Last but not least, this novel is awesome =) (I am suck doing any review so its kinda short and not really like a review post. hehehe)

Last Tuesday, I was looking for Lauren Conrad's Sweet Little Lies at MPH unfortunately, it is out of stock, I guess because I couldn't find it anywhere. Instead I bought John Irving's Last Night in Twisted River. Another novel about grief. Am I changing genre? hahahah. but since I am pretty busy with study now so haven't started reading it yet.. hehe

The All-American Rejects - SunShine (Bonus Track)

a very good song indeed.. sounds peaceful.. good choices of music instruments... its a bit soothing after listening the whole album to listen something calming like this.. heheh

crappy

kadang2 you just know yourself when you are in trouble..

you try to hide, but your close friends will see it..

I'm being crappy last night, seemingly lost and I look terrible..

Thanks though you not doing anything. Thanks for just listening all the crappy things. Though my heart not settled yet, its felt better to know that I can hold to someone when the cruel waves of life crushing me from inside. Its just felt really better that I know I'm not alone, I know I got someone to rely on when I have no strength anymore.

I don't need much. I just need someone.

So, thanks.

~Glamorous overloaded!

Though I am too immersed with my emotional breakdown these days, there are time when I have fun too. Well I cried as I go through the whole album actually thinking this might be the last memories I had with them. Mind me, I got a dream where I got kicked out from UNIMAS~ huhuhu..

Stop the blabber now feast your eyes.. with all these glam-o-fairies...

all the hot girls

us three.

in a very confident pose of me

there are lots more pics of us either in fb or in my personal collection. The pictures that I'll cherish the most~

soul yang sudah hilang...

sometimes I think our life is like a movie. Mine too. Some things are happen too slow, and some are too fast.. Some moments are so meaningful some are just passing by.

And now in my 'movie', this is the part where the main character is so messed up. Breaking apart. Lost the direction. Needs the inspiration.

And same goes with all the movies out there, not everyone having a happy ending. But still, they have to get something. Maybe a lesson of loss. or finding a romance. or inspired everyone else. become a legacy. and so forth. The question is, what's mine??

the question that I'm still figuring out.

karma is a BITCH

people said..

karma is a BITCH if you are. and Life is suck when you are a LOSER.

sounds true.

I guess I'm a bitch and also a loser. Because now, I feel karma bitching me and my life is suck.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

sigh.

Can't help it. Trying to be less negative these days, but the feeling is still there.

random:: woke up in the middle of the night without any reason is annoying.

Linda Jasmin dan Glamorous

wargh... setiap hari jenguk blog, tp x update apa2 pun XD

kesibukan before study week, biasala tu...

anyway.. huhuhu agak nervous.. event besar akan diadakan hari Ahad ini.. which my responsibility agak besar di situ.. urgh... Dinner!! ajk hadiah as well as koreografer and also as MT.. =.=" there are so much things to do.. and I am busy with the presentations as well, limiting my timeline. I am worried like hell.. huhuhu...

1st event preparation masih lom menampakkan aura2nya..

my dancers sgt.. *sigh* I don't know what to say.. less passionate? how they can dance without a passion? dance with nothing expressed is not a dance at all.. and the choreography still not done yet so yeah I can only say, oh-my-I'm-SO-FREAKING-OUT-here! and I don't get any follow-up with the VIPs and the gifts and I have two test today and a presentation and I'm not ready yet and everyone seems to expect me a lot and I haven't cut my hair yet and ... arghhhhh... I can't do this!!!

*inhale**exhale*

the end of my update. How was it?

aku dan dia..

SERIOUS MATTER: this post is existed because I am super-stressed that I couldn't find any idea to start of my report on bitumen penetration grade and the comparison.

I am Sarawakian, a pure one. And urgh, don't misinterpreted. I'm not posting about politic or my state-ism or whining about how not fair our PM was when the Borneo only get RM10 billion for the next year(yes, I found it so.. no words of describing it). No, I'm not posting anything on it. Not that I'm being ignorance here, because I always concern but that matters, is annoyed me that much and I just really don't want to talk about it.

Move on, this is just in my head. Personal liking, okay.You know, how people nick-naming themselves with their couple? Such as, sayang, honey, baby, darling and so forth. My personal? I like it when my boyfriend (my future boyfriend, supposedly) to call me darling. hehehhe.. Because.. I don't know. I don't know why I don't grossed out when I hear darling but it is when I heard baby or sayang. ahahha Sounds vintage. Maybe because my dad and my mom called themselves like that and I hear it since I was a kid. And I like to call someone 'awak'. Certain people la, such as my dearest friends. Atas sebab yang tak diketahui. I sound like that when I start nak bermanja.. Hahahah... Well I'm the youngest one amongst us all so, once in a while I like to be childish and let them treat me like sisters. hehehhe.. which I did almost everyday.. hehe.. And my friend putting their weird faces when I called them awak.. Then I laugh to myself.. hahaha

Anyway, I should finish my report T___T

Eh?

PERNAH TAK KAU RASA,

semua burdens piled up and kau stress?

dan yang kau nak lakukan pada masa tu adalah menjerit sekuat hati kau.. menangis sepuas hati kau, tapi malangnya kau tak boleh?

kau tak boleh sebab kau tak nak risaukan orang lain kerana kau raasa mungkin juga mereka merasa yang sama?

dan bila kau tak dapat nak buat semua tu di luar, kau simpan dalam hati kau?

kau jerit dalam hati, kau nangis dalam hati..

terkurung macam tu saja.. dan itu yang buat hati kau sakit?

pernah tak?

bila rasa kau sangat sunyi walau kawan ada kat sebelah?

bila kau nak bagitau dia, tapi kau tak mampu nak luahkan?

sebab kau dah tak berdaya nak luahkan..

sebab kau tak nak rosakkan hati diorang?

PERNAH TAK KAU RASA,

bila semua ini melanda kau nak berhenti?

tapi setiap kali berlaku kau tak pernah nak berhenti dan kau teruskan jugak?

Pernah tak???

Aku pernah. Aku sedang.

Serius aku rasa air mata dah mengalir. Tapi mengalir dalam hati.

Aku rasa dah menjerit sekuat hati. Tapi suara tersekat di kerongkong dan hanya bergema di hati.

Dan apa yang kau mampu lakukan ialah tenung langit lama2 seolah2 ianya boleh bawa masalah kau terbang.

dunia ini luas, tak semua kita boleh jangka

Ingat lagi tak masa dulu2.. Apa2 pun kau tak ambil kisah.. dunia kau ialah dunia kau dan dunia aku ialah dunia aku. Tapi satu benda kau lupa. Dunia hanya satu. Dunia kau dan dunia aku tetap sama cuma corak jalannya yang berbeza. Rasa kita beza, hidup kita langsung tak sama.

Entah.. pernah tak fikir yang dunia kau takkan berubah? Aku pernah. Walau xberkaitan tapi aku harap dunia itu tak berubah. Tapi masa berlalu. Manusia berubah. Jadi dunia berbeza kerana kita menjadi lebih dewasa. Perspektif semakin besar. Dan baru kau tahu dunia ini lebih luas. Lebih luas dari apa yang kau jangka....

ehem.. dunia aku juga begitu.Dunia ku masa sekolah telah lama ditinggalkan dan semakin lama ditinggalkan aku rasa semakin banyak yang berubah. Kawan2.. kehidupan. hubungan..

Dan bila kau sibuk dalam dunia kau, kau lupa dunia kawan2 kau. Sperti aku. Jalan kita ambil jauh berbeza dan kadangkala, kesibukan aku melambatkan aku daripada perkembangan terbaru.

Kiranya masa high school banyak pasangan-pasangan bahagia. Dan aku kagum dengan mereka.Tak aku tak cemburu.. Hahaha..Fine,fine, agak jealous. Tapi nak buat macam mana. tak pernah nak fall in love. Tapi yang penting semua kawan2 ku, laki2 dan juga perempuan dah berpunya. And they were so sweeeeett... Sampai kan aku dah masuk universiti diorang masih bersama. Itu yang aku sangat kagum.. Dari form3.. kiranya 6-7.. or is it 8 tahun? Setianya.. dan benar aku berdoa agar mereka bahagia selamanya. Tapi... ya.. dunia ini luas. Banyak benda kita belum terokai dan belum difahami. Tak semua nya kekal seperti yang dijangka.. Satu demi satu.. break-up story yg ku dengar tahun ini.. Honestly, aku terkejut. Serius.. sebab semua berlaku tahun ini. Entah maybe lama tak follow-up sesama sendiri.. bila dengar breaking news, its kinda surprising.

Random: Banyak2 couple kat sekolah untuk batch aku... tinggal mm.. satu je lagi kot.. (dats y aku terkejut) To Mijan and Wan aku harap korang sampai ke jinjang pelamin.Serius aku doa nih...

P/s: aku menyibuk pasal kisah cinta orang.. yang aku bila lagi? boyfriend pun takdak... hahahha

rasa ini

bila malam syahdu, otak beku dan kau tak mampu berfikir lurus.. fikiran mula terganggu dan melayang.. lalu menyentuh dalam hati yang kau abaikan sepanjang hari..

lantas idea keluar.. laju saja pena menulis bait kata.. walau takda makna tapi kau tulis juga. Kenapa?

kerana itu apa yang kau rasa

Dan aku rasa, ini lah apa yang aku rasa sekarang. Alangkah baiknya, jika gitar ada.. boleh juga mencipta bait-bait lagu. lagu2 merapu..

Manusia

You can't through this life without making enemies..

>> betul, aku setuju.

and aku adalah one of orang2 yang akan standing out for my right. That is my job. My right is to work and fulfill my responsibilities. I don't care if people hates me for that. Its not that I don't care but I can't. That's my job so by hook or by crook, I have to do it.

Tak semua orang begitu I guess. Sebab, bila ada perjumpaan orang tak pernah ambik tau apa yg org depan cakap. Bila ditanya siapa ada komplen, sorang pun tak angkat.Tapi bila disuruh tulis komplen nak dekat satu rim kertas komplen. Aku tak paham tu. Kalau kau rasa hak kau tak dijaga, why don't you stand up and say it out loud? Kenapa nak guna jalan belakang? Nak tambah dosa kering sendiri mengumpat orang? Setiap complaint yang diterima bukannya tak dipandang, tetapi most of it tak munasabah. Dan ada yang di luar bidang kuasa.

Orang suruh kami view dari sudut pandangan diorang. Be in their shoes katanya. Dorang student, busy, banyak assignment,kelas packed. To be truth, all of us having the same situation. Komplen2, tapi pernah tak diorang terfikir pasal situasi orang? Semua orang datang universiti untuk study. No exception. And we decide to be orang yang mengantarakan pihak pengurusan dan student. Korang, why don't you guys be in our shoes??

Serius dalam perjumpaan, aku boleh bet, orang yang berkertas2 komplen bila disuruh datang ke depan dan bersuara sendiri, xda sapa yang angkat. Yang bertanya mostly seniors dan komplen dorg ada munasabahnya. Dan untuk 1st year komplen keran membebankan hidup dorg as student, what about us, 3rd year? Jangan komplen ikut hati, ikut la otak dan situasi.

And aku rasa by this post, there are more enemies to come. Serius, there are nothing I can do about it. I do my work. That's it. It is all work nothing personal.

words

"I failed miserably"

"awesome"

one sentence is negative another one is positive.

I like both quote. I don't know why would I like to say "I failed miserably" as much as "awesome". I found that the word of "miserably" is attractive and the word "awesome" is well, awesome. Basically in my daily life, these are the most sentence that spoken out from my mouth. Is there any scientific research to prove that human beings have some connection with word? Any ways can show me why did I attract with the word of "miserably" and "awesome".

Personal opinion: Its one of human nature. We tend to bias on one specific thing. That's why we tend to have our own favorite color, numbers and so forth. And to me, I have my own favorite words! It sounds weird though. Are you guys have your favorite words too?

Note to myself

Either I'm trying to get better or I just getting used with the pain. Anyway listening on this song and suddenly I was touched by the lyrics. Maybe I should just hold on and be more stronger. Or maybe I just need someone else to hold on with me.

Hold On

You fought your way up to the wall
But you havent gone past at all
While gazing with tear filled eyes
You just cant help but ask why
If trying hard is what it takes
Then why does it feel like a mistake?
The world has taken its side
You just wanna run away and hide

Its tough
Theres no one to turn to
I hear screaming inside you
Feels like hells all youve been through
Hells all youve been through

Hold on
Dont stop your breathing
I see your dreams and
I feel them too
Hold on
Dont lose your faith
I know you cant break
Im hoping and praying for you

All your peace seems far away
But you know there comes a day
When everythings so bright
All the darkness you feel subsides
And in the rising of the sun
You can finally say its done
The world will take your side
And your heart will start to shine

I will
Be holding on to you
There is nothing you cant do
I will try to be strong
Will try to be strong so

Hold on
Dont stop your breathing
I see your dreams and
I feel them too
Hold on
Dont lose your faith
I know you cant break
Im hoping and praying for you

Ill never let go of you
Ill never let go of you
Ill never let go of you, of you

Hold on
Dont stop your breathing
I see your dreams and
I feel them too
Hold on
Dont lose your faith
I know you cant break
Im hoping and waiting for you

it seems

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

and now I am falling apart. I am trying to hold my grip as tight as I can but I keep falling. The harder I try, the harder I fall. I couldn't find the best way to tell my friend and ask for help without burdening them.

All I know is, my heart breaks. I just couldn't do this anymore.

kehilangan

Hilangnya diri aku dalam dunia blog kerana kesibukan yang melanda, ofcourse plus setiap kali aku nak blog, mesti lupa apa yang aku nak tulis, last-last cancel, x jadik tulis..

So today I think I just ranting about anything..

first of all, last weekend kinda short to me. Friday went ended shortly because most of the hours were filled with dance practice. Modern dance on the evening and contemporary dance on the night. My back hurt as its been long time I haven't dance. On Saturday, woke up early because there were notice no water the whole day which happened to be false after all. Practice for modern dance again on the morning, then hang out at my friend's room watching Grey's Anatomy.On the afternoon went to FSTS Organic Lab to help my friend doing her FYP. Not helping anything, just watching around anyway XD. Then on night again, the practice.

On Sunday, there were event in Sakura which involved me for the whole day. At morning I was awake by a friend's call asking me music for aerobic. I was PMS by that time so its been a moody and ultimate lazy day. After that, there were suppose to be gotong-royong but instead me and my members were practicing dancing for a last time. Then since there were bicycles at that time all 4 of us when cycling whole UNIMAS. It was fun and refreshing. Then I was helping in charge on ensuring everything were fine..

On the afternoon sukaneka was held. It was scorching hot so I just stay under the canopy and play with the PA System. On the closing ceremony, we did the performance. Hahahah.. Actually it pretty impressive that we can pull it out even with only few hours practice. And then when its over,we, again, went cycling the whole UNIMAS. My butt hurts, hahahahah...Then I'm having fun went out dinner with friends. We all laughing all the way for stupid and random things.

Then, again practice.

And here comes another weekdays....

p/s: I should entitled this post as The Practice, XD

to anyone

HELPP!!

I am so new in this.

huhuhuhu...

How to find sponsorship??

I need sponsorship for the next project.

I am seriously don't know much the procedure or exactly how to begin..

So anyone, help?

just because

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

source: Google

making a statement

I LOVE MY FRIENDS ALWAYS!!

And I hate to see them hurts.

I know I'm not gonna be good enough, but trust me I'll always try to be there when you needed me the most though we have different path of life and we are busy with it. If being by your side and just listen to you cam cheer you on, that what I'll do. And I have a faith on you that slowly I opened up myself to you.

By the way, thanks for always being there when I needed friend the most.

Yours truly,

athy

random note: cheesy post. I know. hahaha feels like want to do so today XD

we talked

one of the conversation during last night. It happens when I hang around for a while at my friend's room watching them studied for midterm test this morning.

friends 1: (while reading notes and suddenly) aku rasa aku patut tukar boyfriend la!

me: apala kaitan?

friends 1: xda...

me: -_-"

after a while, at the same room.

friends 2: aku rasa aku perlu dating la

me: apahal korang tok =.="? apa kaitan dengan natural product??

haha =.=" I wonder what the connections are.. They just panicking when they haven't covered all the chapter and started to talk about randomly. And actually there are more topics that we converse, funny ones like stupid and embarrassing moments during childhood, our raya memories even about things happened in KML few years ago and if I stayed longer there will be much more. But I couldn't, because I don't want to disturb them study and also I have midterm as well today. Plus, my body kinda beat have been working all day, from sukan air to Fiesta Aidilfitri. My legs hurt, so does my arms and my throats. I really feel want to skip class today and go back to sleep but I can't because my test is on 8am this morning.

And hell, its raining outside.. it will be awesome if I'm sleeping right now T___T

random: the other conversations could not be included here as its privacy matters and lets its just keeps between us for laughs

Challenge. Day 1

10 things about me

1. I have some traumatic experiences with cockroaches. so I’m phobic to them.

2. Currently I should study instead of tumblr-ing

3. Honestly, I never fall in love before. I don’t have first love. Pathetic, I know =.=”

4. I am clumsy and forgetful. I always forget and misplaced my stuffs.

5. I am childish inside but people doesn’t really notice it.

6. I don’t know what my talent are or whatever that makes me unique from others. I am so ordinary.

7. Secretly, I have a crush. I really sure it is a crush. hahahaaha

8. I realized I eat a lot when I’m stressed. It becoming a habit lately.

9. I have low blood pressure. =.=”

10. Since I was born I have asthma, but I trying so hard to handle it and never show it to anyone.

Actually I just copied it from my tumblr.. heheheh.. but all this are true.. So now, you just know 10 things about me which I don't recall if I did mentioned about it to somebody or not. hehehe.. but everyone knows me they know about #1. hehehehe

hidup ini penuh cabaran

I did this on tumblr, so I think I want to post it at here too.. hehehe

10 days challenge!!

Day 1: 10 things about you

Day 2: 10 things you love

Day 3: 10 things you hate

Day 4: 10 things you want to say to one person

Day 5: 10 wishes

Day 6: 10 items you can’t live without

Day 7: 10 important people

Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs

Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart

Day 10: Final 10 words

and it begins..... next post..^___^

not so awesome post

If I make a countdown it will be around 13 hours or so left before my midsem test started. And I only have covered a half of a chapter. Though there are only 2 questions, it is gonna be 2 super-hard questions. So far, I don't have any intention to fail so I'm trying hard here. But since the last 4 hours, my brain is so saturated with all those British standards it makes me want to puke. Not to mention my head feels like it want to blow. At least the good thing is, I'm still being positive here. Attempting to make the reading and calculating just to figure which type of steel rods used is fun. I know, I know, it is not but hey, its the only way that I can get through all of these.

I guess busy-ness is going to struck me at any time now. With all those activities need to be held, projects and midterm and so forth is kept coming, I am quite amazed with my brain because it can hold everything in it without bursting.

Okay,okay Jomheboh attacks Kuching this weekend. YUHUUUU!!! Hopefully I won't be too busy so I can have time feeding the needs te socialize out there. heheheheheh. I really hoping I qram Dinzly would be there too. Last time, I didn't got the opportunities to take pictures with him..=( Anyways, lots of sales going on and I might looking for new phone number to buy. Digi perhaps.. hehehe, I wish they having book fair or something like that..

And now, time to facing the book again... I wish I can answer well tomorrow..

Here we go again

cuti dah habis. means, now classes time =.="

Aidilfitri this years has nothing different much from last year except that we traveled a lot that 1 week due to lots of business need to be settled. Anyway it always been fun though its tiring me much. And yes, it makes me sick. I came to UNIMAS last Sunday with a flu and runny nose. I hate it huhhu...

There are lots of pic taken but not edited yet, so might be on my next post.. hehehe..

I was thinking bout photoblog, to post all the pictures that I took and edit. But I don't know I have time on it or not. I shall just do it right? hmm... might be later.. ^___^

now.. this is quite short post than I expected.. I'm running out of ideas..

finding way

Raya is tomorrow. Super yeay!! walaupun penat but I think its worth..Family gathering.. and I saw all my cousins grown up. (sounds like I'm old)=.=" anyway, all the shopping, the cooking and the baking is done.. Its time to have fun. =)

I learned new abbreviation during this holiday. OMG!! thats it? sound familiar right but it stands for "Oh Menarik Giler!!!" hahaha.. its came out during my shopping session with my sisters....

I seriously is out of idea. It started as a prank but it gotten so big then lots of people think its real so I don't know how to stop it. Maybe someday I just come out and say, "hey guys, no worries its just a prank!". When? I don't know.. ehehehhe

mm I have no more idea to write.. so Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri y'all!!

holidays

pfftt.. I'm slow. hahah. Holidays is actually already started a few days before and I've been enjoying it. My flight was on Friday's morning and I arrived Sibu around 7 am. Then i feel so tired and slept until noon, maybe because of jetlagged.. HAHAHAHA.. From kch to Sibu.. well.. Maybe because all the pressure, the stress that messed up my life has been lifted away once I arrived at home. It feels good somehow..

DAY 1: I went shopping. I bought a pair of open-toe wedges and a blouse. Also buy a pair of earrings and make ups.. Then foods!! heheheh
DAY2: My day started with biscuit's smells.. ummm... smell so yummy! Help my mom baking as Aidilfitri is around the corner. At afternoon, again I went shopping. This time around I bought a longsleeve shirts and a pair of long pants. oh I also went to optical shops and make myself a new glasses. my degree is increased to 4.00 at both of my eyes..sigh. And also I found two cute and adorable dresses.. I would buy those if I have enough money though. Then we stopped buy at McD and bought our fav meal.. heheheh
DAY3: its baking day!! I helped my mom bake 3 cakes and I felt awesome! feels great when doing something that we love right? Yes I love baking. maybe I'm not that good in cooking, but I good in baking.. hehehe.. My mom and I even talk in opening a bakery.. hehehe.. well mom, don't you know that's in my life plan? And for this day i only went out taking my already made glasses and yes I'm wearing it right now.. I know, I know.. aweessoome~ I also went to my uncle's house and play with my naughty michievous litte cousins.. what a great day!!!

and for today.. no plans yet.. but yes I have to pack because tomorrow is balik kampung!!.heheh.. and I'm still deciding on which dresses to buy. Those dresses are too cute to let it go.. hhuhuhu..

nO Pictures. becaus I'm using mr.M lappy and I'm lazy to transfer the pics.. hehehe

sorry

life is a mess and I hardly catch a piece of it. Enough with the emo posts.. Baca balik post2 aku beberapa hari lepas buat aku down sendiri.. Hahahahaha, xdala, tipu je.

Sebenarnyakan walaupun faktanya dragon ball ada 7 biji tapi apa yang aku nak bagitau adalah, aku ada banyak program.. tapi satu pun aku x letak kat cni..=.=" knapala aku malas sangat.. yelah, gambar2 tu nak kena atur lagi.. Tu yang maas tu and mood blogging aku x konsisten. Kalau rajin spontan je jari nak menekan keyboard..

Sekarang ni, aku sedang menghadiri..mm lebih kepada menghandle Bakti Siswa. Aktiviti kira macam bersama dengan masyarakat la. G kampung then buat baktilah nak buat apa lagi. Semalam berakhirnya hari pertama which I considered good and enjoyable but one thing penat nak mampus. Kampung tu dekat dengan pantai so panas dia lain. Humidity tinggi so bila panas rasa melekit dan x selesa. Tapi Alhamdulillah seua berjalan dengan lancar dan hopefully hari ni pun sama. Tapi hari ini agak menervouskan sebab ade YB petang karang.. So hoping the best jela...

okay,okay post ni agak melalut dari tujuan asal..Aku just nak cakap, rindu dengan kawan2 ku. Walaupun dorang tinggal sebelah blok dan ada gak yang tinggal kat tingkat bawah je tapi serius aku rindu dorang. Kami sama2 pergi ke Bakti Siswa tapi yela sebagai AJK induk jarang gak lelepak dengan dorang.. Bermula semester ini, flow masih okay, tapi makin lama, kami semua makin busy so jarangla nak lepak. Jumpa memang selalu tapi just cakap2 macam tu. Kami x macam dulu lagi, tak tengok movie sama2 malam2, lepak bergosip, eh bukan, bercerita sampai ke awal pagi. Nowadays, its hardly to do so..Aku rindu time tu.

Dan kekadang, aku yang sibuk. every night ade meeting, balik2 nak study lagi..so jumpa pun dah x bercerita macam dulu. Mostly apa yang dibualkan hanya berkenaan subjek semata2. Thats what I'm so sorry of. I feel sorry to them, I feel sorry to myself but I guess that what'll happen when we grows up. Less time with friends as more commitments we hold. I don't know but sometimes, there will be time to make this up and lets hang out together again, friends. I miss you guys~

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday live moves on like

I wish I could talk to you for a while

I wish I could find a way not to cry

As time goes by....

-Bye bye, Mariah Carey

I'm done.

one thing people should know about me. Words does hurt me more than anything else.

Fine, lain kali aku x buat lagi. Tapi if there's anything happened, don't blame others. I did warned.

Now, I think I should just be what I used to be. Someone who doesn't give a damn. Its your problem and its not mine to fucking care about it.

salahkah aku?

lama dah tak berblog. eh lupa.. good morning y'all! pagi ini harap2la indah dan permai.. ada lab karang so x syok ar kalu hujan or terlalu panas.. ehehhe.

Minggu ni kira event kemuncak, yela dah nak merdeka so memang banyak kerja.. dah lama x update dengan kawan2.. masing2 sibuk dengan kerja sendiri.

Yang aku nak tulis ni pasal perasaan aku kepada sesetengah orang. Aku faham, hidup kat kolej cam survival of the fittest. Kita mengejar cop dan merit semata2 nak stay kolej for another semester. I get that part. Aku pun pernah jadi student awam, k. Dan aku faham masa nila assignment mencurah2 ke ladang gandum dan ini minggu midterm. Itu pun aku faham. Aku pun student gak. So nak juggle masa antara kedua2 benda tu agak sukar. Tapi, apabila ko dah tulis nama nak sertai aktiviti tu means ko sedia nak pikul komitmen tu. So what we xpect is, ko turun and jalankan tanggungjawab dan amanah yang diberi. Kata mahasiswa, pandai2 ar korang nak balance kan masa. Apa yang menyedihkan, korang tak memberi komitmen yang sepenuhnya, menjadikan perjalanan sesuatu benda tu x lancar. Dan yang seksa menerimanya, kami2 yang kerjanya sepatutnya memantau. Terpaksa cari orang last minute and kerja jadi lambat..

And hari ini aku rasa terkilan. Kecil hati aku yang kecil ni.Nak cakap yang amat sangat tu takla, tapi terkilan jugakla.. okay,okay, fine. korang je yang nak dpt 3 pointer, aku x yah.. korang je nak berehat, aku takyah.. Sometimes pernah tak korang terfikir, aku pun manusia? aku pun perlu rehat? pernah x? aku pun nak grad sama2, aku pun struggle nak naikkan pointer. Ok2 part rehat aku leh consider, tapi kadang2 aku pun nak jugak tidur lebih dari dua jam... Ada masa aku pun taknak balik bilik kol 1 everyday.. aku pun nak segar bila bangun pg.. x rasa restless.. semangat ckit nak turun kelas.. okay, aku tak paksa korang tapi apa salahnya tolong? korang tak rasa masa tu aku perlukan pertolongan. at least pertolongan tu menjimatkan masa untuk buat kerja and tak perlula balik kol 1-2 pagi.. aku x mintak tolong banyak. tapi.. *sigh* ntahla.. aku trasa terkilan.. salahkah aku mintak tolong?

baiklah, kalau kau rasa aku menyusahkan kau,aku ganggu masa rehat kau, aku ikhlas, mintak maaf banyak2..next time aku akan try tak ganggu kau, tak mintak tolong dari kau lagi. Yela kau nak belajar, ko ade midterm nak dapat 3 pointer. Ko nak rehat kan, ko ade kelas awal pagi. Aku bagik orang lain yg nak je la..

Aku manusia. And aku memang jenis tak suka sangat nak luahkan apa yang ada dalam hati. Tapi hati aku kecil. Ada limitnya. Bila pendam banyak2 aku pun leh terasa gak wei. Mintak maafla, kalau sesapa yang terasa. Aku just luahkan apa yang ku rasa.Serius, aku terkilan..